don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize