I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
