just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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