like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
