I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
