he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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