i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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