i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
