got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
