my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
