I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
