I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
