you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
