I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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