Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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