Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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