My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
