omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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