i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
