I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
