This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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