I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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