I bet he comes in French.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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