I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
