____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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