My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
