He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
