Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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