Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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