My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
