3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
