Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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