The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
