when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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