brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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