he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
