Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
