i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
