A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sorry my hands just texted you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
