Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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