she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
