i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
