If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
