if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
