I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
God I need to hump something, right now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
