Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
