Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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