This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
