all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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