New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I AM VODKA MAN
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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