she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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