make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
