I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
