Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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