i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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