You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
