We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
