Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Mom said you looked used
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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